NHL Central Division Misery Index: Who’s the 1-seed at the halfway mark?

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We’ve been filling out a lot of NCAA hoops brackets over the past couple days (all on our off-hours, honest!) and it got us to pondering who the 1-seed coming out of the Central Division is, especially with every team — including, somehow, the Stars — getting past the 28-game halfway mark either last week or this week. We’re officially closer to the playoffs than to the start of the 2020-21 season now.

Yes, we’re all about the misery, but what’s more miserable than missing out on the top seed in a region? And the Central region has three main contenders, each with a claim on the top.

First up, there’s the Panthers at 19-5-4, tops in the division in points, at 42. They’re only second in wins but have four OT losses — “loser points,” some less charitable than ourselves have called them. In real terms, that’s a 19-9 record: OK, but not the best in the division, either. The Panthers are also just a plus-18 in goal differential, third in the division and seventh in the league. Gonzaga, they’re not.

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Next, there’s the Hurricanes at 20-6-1, one point behind Florida, at 41. The ’Canes’ claim feels a little stronger, as their 20 wins are tops in the division, and their .759 points percentage (thanks to one fewer game played than the Panthers) is tops in the NHL. Still, “Ladies and gentlemen, your Presidents’ Trophy winners, the Carolina Hurricanes,” is not a phrase we thought we’d grapple with in 2021, y’know? (For what it’s worth, points percentage won’t come up unless teams play an uneven number of games; everybody’s set to hit the 56-mark for now, but if, say, the Stars have any more postponements, they may need to start scheduling seven-inning doubleheaders over at Globe Life Field.) Likewise, the ’Canes are second in the division in goal differential at a healthy plus-27.

Ah, but hold on: Four of the ’Canes’ wins have come in the shootout. (The rest of the division has seven shootout wins combined.) Do we really want to give the 1-seed to the team that’s best in the NHL’s equivalent of the slam dunk contest? Houston’s “Phi Slamma Jamma” squads made three NCAA Final Fours (1982-84) but won no titles. Next.

Finally, we have the team that seems to pass the eye test the best, the Lightning at 19-6-2 and 40 points. Yes, they lost to the Red Wings, which should be a disqualifier, but so have the ‘Canes and the Panthers (twice!). But the Bolts are tops in the division and the league in goal differential at plus-34. Even more impressive, all 19 of their wins have come in regulation or overtime. And that eye test? When the Bolts are on, they’re a special kind of dominant, as evidenced by their 11 wins by three goals or more — four more than any other team in the league, and five more than any other in the Central. (Also, more than the Red Wings, Blue Jackets and Blackhawks have combined.) The Lightning might indeed be the Gonzaga of the division, at least when they’re starting Andrei Vasilevskiy in net.

But while we ponder a dunk contest on skates to settle the debate, let’s run through the Central Division’s Misery Index in Week 9, from the least miserable to the most.

8. Panthers

This week’s record, goal differential: 4-0-0, +1.

Last week’s ranking: 6.

Not only did the Panthers pack a four-game win streak into the week, the final three of those came after Florida gave up the first goal; on the season, the Panthers have 12 wins after giving up the first goal (something they’ve done 19 times in 28 games). Obviously, their next opponent — the Predators — should focus on letting the Panthers score first. (This should not be hard for the Preds, either — only the Panthers have given up the first goal more often than their 18 times.) Then again, the Panthers also have seven wins in nine games when scoring first. There’s a reason they’re at the top, is what we’re saying.

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7. Hurricanes

This week’s record, goal differential: 3-0-0, +6.

Last week’s ranking: 8.

Sunday’s victory was the ’Canes’ eighth straight, their longest streak in a single season since winning nine straight in March and April 2009. How long ago was that? Rod Brind’Amour, their current coach (and former Spartans), was team captain (and fourth on the roster in points) and Sebastian Aho, this year’s points leader, was still more than three months from turning 12.

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6. Stars

This week’s record, goal differential: 2-1-1, +3.

Last week’s ranking: 2.

The Stars apparently have only two moods this season: Gladulov — aka, 5-2-1 when Alexander Radulov is in the lineup, as he was Sunday — or Sadulov — aka, 3-7-5 when Radulov missed the previous 15 games. Which gives us an idea for the Stars’ next sweater set: Plaidulov.

(Speaking of the Stars’ sweaters, they’re finally breaking out their Reverse Retro kit, delayed by last month’s freeze in Texas, on Tuesday night against the Lightning. They’re even whiter than the Red Wings’ set — somehow — but the Stars steered into the bleach-induced skid with white pants, gloves and socks for a crisp look that brings back the joy of Brett Hull’s Stanley Cup crease infraction winning goal.)

5. Red Wings

This week’s record, goal differential: 1-1-1, 0.

Last week’s ranking: 1.

Is this too high for a team that technically lost two of its three games? Perhaps, but scoring six goals on the defending champs (and their backup goalie, but who’s counting?) kills a lot of misery in a week. Especially when Thursday’s 6-4 win was the Wings’ first regular-season win in regulation over the Bolts since Nov. 3, 2015 — a span of 20 games in total and 17 games in regulation. In those regulation losses, the Lightning outscored the Wings by an average of 2.1 goals … for nearly six years.

(Note: It wasn’t as though the Wings were taking a lot of W’s back once they got to overtime. In the three OT matchups during the streak, the Wings won in a shootout on March 8, 2020, and lost in a shootout in 2018 and in 3-on-3 time in 2017.)

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4. Lightning

This week’s record, goal differential: 2-2-0, -1.

Last week’s ranking: 7.

Just in case you’re feeling sorry for the Lightning, who’ve lost two of their past three games and started a stretch of five games in seven days Monday — actual quote from coach (and former Lansing Catholic ice boss) Jon Cooper: “Everybody is like ‘Holy cow you lose a game … or the world’s caving in,’” — former MVP Nikita Kucherov is back on the ice (though he won’t likely be cleared to play until the postseason after offseason hip surgery) and doing things like this ….

3. Predators

This week’s record, goal differential: 1-2-1, -5.

Last week’s ranking: 3.

They still can’t score, at 2.38 goals a game, but, hey, goalie Pekka Rinne picked up his 14th career assist in Monday’s matinee win over the Lightning. Since the start of 2008-09, Rinne’s first full season with the Preds, only five goalies have more assists: Henrik Lundqvist (25), Kari Lehtonen (24), Jonathan Quick (19), Mike Smith (19) and Craig Anderson (16). Oh, and Rinne’s assist is one more than center Colton Sissons has in 29 games this season. Y’know, in case you need some help in your fantasy hockey league. (Sissons does have four goals, good for sixth among Preds, so he’s not useless out there, eh?)

2. Blue Jackets

This week’s record, goal differential: 1-1-2, -3.

Last week’s ranking: 5.

Welcome back to another episode of “As The Buckeye Turns,” in which the Jackets hit the halfway mark of the season Thursday by blowing a three-goal third period lead to the Panthers and losing in overtime. Patrik Laine had a goal and an assist in getting it to 4-1, but apparently blinked wrong at coach John Tortorella during the third period, leading to a benching for the final 9:22 of action. (It might have lasted longer, but the Panthers needed just 2:48 to score in OT.) “I thought I played good,” Laine said. “I guess I thought wrong.”

For his part, Tortorella denied the benching the next day: “Is it a benching? No, I didn’t bench anybody last night. I just decided to play some other people in situations late in the third period that I felt more comfortable with at that time.” OK, Boomer (the cannon).

The way they’re working technicalities in Columbus, you’d think a berth in the College Football Playoff was on the line.

1. Blackhawks

This week’s record, goal differential: 1-3-0, -8.

Last week’s ranking: 4.

Remember when we were grudgingly admitting the ’Hawks’ “goalie-by-committee-but-really-Kevin-Lankinen” thing might actually work? Uh…. Blackhawks goalies have allowed at least four goals in four of their past five games. At least Monday’s utter collapse in South Florida wasn’t entirely on Lankinen; he only allowed one goal at even strength. The Blackhawks’ other five goals allowed came on, in order, the power play, power play, short-handed (ouch), empty net and empty net. Not the way you want to go into a two-game set against the better team in Florida.

Contact Ryan Ford at rford@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @theford.